i’m all a-twitter
Posted by Lisha Cauthen
Non sequitur–a statement that does not follow logically from what preceded it.
Twitter–one unending string of non sequiturs.
I love non sequiturs.
The kind that make your teens say, “That’s so random.”
I have dozens of buttons on my sun visor in my 14-year-old van known as “Old Blue”. Someday I will sing you the rollicking epic of Old Blue, but today we’re talking about my non sequitur buttons.
There’s a Half-Price Bookstore around here that used to make slogan buttons out of ruined graphic novels and comic books. Every time I went there, I had to dig through the plastic dish to find the best non-sequiturs, only $1. My favorites:
“Put your pants on men! Our leader needs us!”
“I want free candy.”
“Where’s my damn enema bag?”
Now, I ask you. What kind of comics did these phrases come from? I peruse my button collection when I stop at red lights. I ponder the story that would contain such sentiments.
Non sequiturs are my heroin.
It was only a matter of time before I discovered…
I drool and my pupils become pinpoints just thinking about it.
I’d heard rumors about Twitter, on the dangerous streets of the internet. Suddenly, everybody was on it, and they all wanted ME to be on it too. You know how it is. An addict isn’t satisfied until everyone has joined them in their weakness. “Follow me,” they said. All breathy and stuff.
I resisted. I already had enough time wasters going for me…forums, emails, blogs, lol cats and dogs.
But then I found out that Nadia Cornier was on it. Andrew Karre did it. Even Alice Pope. Sweet little Alice Pope.
“Just once can’t hurt,” I said.
How I rue the day!
I started with Nadia. Soon I added Andrew and Alice. Before I knew it, I had 15 tweeters.
I was out of control!
People started following me! People I didn’t know!
I had to get it together. I purged my following list. Limited my time at my Twitter home to once a week.
But sometimes I slip. In the dark of night, I fire up my laptop. Just a little fix, to get me through the night:
“I think I may have slightly perspired.”
“Fed my kid bacon and chips for dinner.”
“Every time I roll near the cat, she gets freaked out.”
WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?
Like a terrible, bloody train wreck, I cannot look away!
God help me.