book report # 8: why they all heart Twilight

I am not an innocent, idealistic young lady between the ages of 12 and 16 with insecurities and deep unnamed longings.

Therefore, I am not a big fan of Twilight, by Stephenie Meyer.

I read the first book of the trilogy plus one at the insistence of Freckles McYoungest.  She is a rabid fanpire.  (Fanpire.  I like that.)

So I took the plunge.  A YA writer ought to keep up with publishing trends, right? 

The story is intriguing.  Vampires that swear off human blood like drunks taking the pledge.  Seeing how they cope at the edges of human society.  Interesting.

Enter Bella. 

Here is a heroine that does not deserve the name.  A main character that takes up way too much space. 

She is a drip and a half.

Ineffective.  Unself-aware.  People pleaser. 

I’m not a strident Women’s Libber.  I think men and women should preserve the niceties of etiquette, but I also think that teenaged girls are evolved enough to be equals in their relationships.

Bella puppy-butt wiggles if Edward throws one of his crooked smiles her way.   She puts up with his unexplained comings and goings, flares of temper, lack of honesty in communication…

As Freckles McYoungest would say:

WTF?  ( I’m SURE that translates as “What the Fudge?”)

What’s so super-duper about such a guy?  Well, he’s GORGEOUS, of course.  And mysterious.  And dangerous.  Why, none of that other relation stuff matters, not even Bella’s very life, because she’s IN LOOOOVE!  (She hearts Edward.  Lots.)

As the mother of two girls, I despair.

But a lot of determination and a little bit of pixie dust helped me put myself in my seventh grade self:


Edward is so cool  And he’s like so sensitive.  He can hold me all night while I’m asleep and EVERYTHING and he doesn’t even try to get in my pants!  And he totally could because I’m like UNCONSCIOUS when I’m asleep and stuff but he doesn’t because I can TRUST him!!  And he has this sadness about him because he’s undead and all that but he’s SO SWEET!  He doesn’t want ME to be undead too!!  Like the very thought makes him all mad and stuff and it seems like he’s mad at me but really, he’s just mad at the situation.  You know.   He’s got a lot on his mind.  I shouldn’t expect too much from him. 

Edward’s like my secret boyfriend and an imaginary friend all in one.  And I don’t have to deal with my sexual feelings.  Or have any other friends.  Or think about what I should do with my life.  Edward is all I need!!!   I don’t know why he picked me.  I’m so clumsy and plain-looking and unpopular.  I’m so lucky!  I don’t deserve him!  He’s my everything!!!!!!!!!

Dear little Bella.  The weakest example of female teenagerliness. 

Please grow a pair in New Moon.


About Lisha Cauthen

Lisha Cauthen writes YA novels for guys that girls like to read too.

Posted on August 12, 2008, in book report, childrens' literature, writing and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Hmm….not cool. The movie is going to be kick-ass though!!

    -Freckles McAwesome

  2. LANGUAGE!!!!!!


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